I feel dirty. Probably the same way that Eddie Murphy felt when he was arrested for soliciting a transvestite bobbing for apples. Although not as drastic as tranny fornication I feel just as vile….I bought a mountain bike and I’ve been riding it….a lot.

Some might not view this as perverse. I know of roadies that spend hours ripping single track, wearing a visor and letting their Boarder Collie urinate all over the back seat of their Lezbaru. They would say that my behavior is perfectly normal.

I’ve come to realize that the evaluation of behavior and the legitimacy of the term “normal” is relative to the people critiquing said activities. Example: If a grown man were to wear a mauve V neck draped over one shoulder, Capri pants and a pompous mustache in a clever attempt to define his androgynous image– most would think, “He rides a fixie”. When in reality, he is just the weirdo pervert that drives the ice cream truck around my block.

The point is I need to be less judgmental and more understanding of different experiences. I would never want to offend the weirdo pervert ice cream truck driver by calling him a weirdo pervert fixie rider. Peoples feelings can be hurt…or at least that’s what I’m told.

I could have sworn I started this post as a confession to my mountain bike addiction?! Oh well, moral of the story is fixie riders still bob for apples.

Rusty Chain

I was enjoying an above average conversation with a non-cycling buddy when he proposed a valid question: “Why are all road cyclists such pricks?”

Obviously this is a stereotypical assumption, but I have to admit this wasn’t the first time I said it… I mean, uh, heard it. Let us further examine the legitimacy of this statement as any acquaintance of mine is suspect and certifiably mentally retarded.

First off I’m not going to define the term “prick”. These are the same people that have irrational excuses for their 19th place finishing, yell at runners in the bike path, scoff at components lacking white high gloss paint and talk smack about the competency of their coach. If you’re still not familiar with the term please glance at some of my previous posts for clarity on the description. Furthermore, the question was not “if” Roadies are pricks, but rather “why” are Roadies pricks and to what extent – no pun intended.

It seems that there is a direct correlation of pompous behavior to racing category and I refer to it as the “Ass to Class” ratio. It’s a common misconception that as the rider upgrades through the associated categories the more arrogant the cyclist becomes. It’s been my experience that this theory is incorrect, or at the very least, backwards. The more skilled and successful the cyclist the less pretentious the attitude.

We’ve all been stuck next to the Cat 4 on a group ride. After he has screamed “hold your line” to the entire assembly he is delighted to educate you on the inefficiencies of your diet or the ideal cadence / heart rate quotient….or better yet, discuss his hypotheses on the unassuming subject riding in front of you. The veteran cyclist isn’t adverse to having a chat, but they aren’t riding in the group to flaunt their superiority or belittle the Jr. rider trying to pull through. They don’t care to hash over your power at threshold or how many overweight riders are on team X. The Cat 1 has other things on his mind like “I should have brought my f*$king iPod”.

Oh my……I would love to discuss these circumstances further, but my useless coach just forwarded an auction link for a white seat clamp that will surly make my bar tape pop!

Rusty Chain

Here’s a special Thanksgiving Day version of Dear Rusty. Actually, it has nothing to do with Thanksgiving except for the fact that I am posting it on Thanksgiving Day. Anyways, Happy Turkey Day, eat lots.

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Dear Rusty-

I am new to cycling, and not really a racer (yet), but a friend of mine told me about you and this site, and I really thought you might be able to help. You see, I was a great football player in high school (would have gone to the NFL if my coach wouldn’t have lied to the recruiters about my having poor work ethic). So as you can imagine I am super jacked. This is great for getting girls, but the problem is with shaving. My friend (the same one who told me about your site) says that to be a real cyclist I need to shave my legs, but my calves and thighs are so defined that they are really hard to navigate with a razor. Any tips? Also, how high on the leg do I shave? Thanks for the help.

Shaving in Sahuarita,

AZRider_2010

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It’s always a pleasure receiving inquires from elite athletes regardless of sport. Unfortunately, a lethargic 3rd string high school flabberback doesn’t qualify as “elite” or an “athlete” for that matter. None the less, my arrogance cannot be stopped; only directed.

True cyclists shave their legs for several reasons:

1. Ease of applying and removing a bandage after a crash

2. Less irritation during massage

3. To prevent gonorrhea

4. Tax bracket identification

During the race calendar I would suggest shaving everything, but the off season requires utilitarian alternatives:

The Bermuda: Starting at your ankle, shave only to the elastic gripper on your bib shorts. This keeps a protective layer of man hair underneath your kit. Like goose down in a sleeping bag, the loft will keep you chestnuts toasty during your holiday rides.

The Pele: Starting at the ankle, shave only the back of the calf. This creates breathability to the calf muscle yet leaves a “shin guard” to ward off the elements.

The Venetian: Starting at the ankle, shave several vertical strips up to the groin. Like a radiator this variation will keep your legs warm without the suffocation of total coverage.

The Greek Taxi driver: Don’t shave – starting at the ankle, submerse your legs in a vat of Icy/Hot. The petroleum product will insulate the legs and the burning sensation will trigger the incomprehensible dialect.

If your body is so grotesquely disproportioned that you can’t pilot your own razor you should solicit your cooperative “friend”. Anyone who boastfully describes themselves as a “jacked” football player proficient at “getting girls” is two Appletinis away from a bromance.

If you want my professional advice you should focus on mountain biking. Just as in football, you can be fat, lazy and hairy!

Rusty Chain

He’s back folks and spitting out advice left and right… I’ll warn you, at Rusty’s request I promised not to censor this one…

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Dear Rusty,

I need some advice on clothing choice….I really want to do well at Valley of the Sun stage race this year, and I hear it’s all about the TT; so I have really been putting the time in on my TT bike. The problem is, over these last couple weeks, with the weather cooling off, I have been wearing arm warmers and an undershirt, which keeps my arms and core comfortable, but my shoulders just get super warm. My friend, who is an amazing athlete (Finished Ironman AZ last year in under 12hrs) says I should skip the jersey, wear a wind vest and arm warmers. What do you think?

Perplexed in Phoenix,

Sunburned_Shoulders

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It’s refreshing to read about a dedicated racer attempting to get the best out of their pre-season goals. Base miles on the TT bike will no doubt help your VOS GC objective, coincidentally it will assist in your “Pro-taint” upgrade; but I’ll address this issue further in a future article.

It’s rudimentary knowledge that an elevated core temperature causes the body to work overtime in the cooling process, robbing one of vital energy that should be intended to power the pedals. Confused triathletes have assumed for years that the best way to alleviate your core temperature without freezing your extremities is through specific “venting” variations.

One such variation is the arm warmer/sleeveless jersey combination. Although widely believed to cool the scapula this is a common misconception. It’s true purpose, like gang colors or Shriner hats, is to identify fellow tri geeks during the winter season. Like the scarlet letter, a cyclist can take a quick glance and instantly identify the bare shoulder as someone banished from society for their three way perversion and general indecency.

Another venting variation, although not as common, the “belly shirt” or better known as the “triathlete tube top” which exposes accumulated heat on your lower back and simultaneously allows the competitor to smugly display their tattoo of the Japanese symbol for “courage”.

One of the most radical varieties of “venting” is the wind vest/arm warmer mishmash; or as I fondly refer to it as the “SanFran ManTan”. Will it keep the body cool? Yes. Have you made an intelligent judgment call? No. Like the “crotchless panty” of the cycling world, exposed shoulders are void of any purpose other than to symbolize you laugh in the face of common sense and your mother drank heavily during pregnancy.

P.S. Get a divorce….your friend obviously hates you and is probably sleeping with your wife.

Rusty Chain

Dear Rusty,

I’ve been riding with the same local team for 3 years now. The guys on the team are not only teammates, but they’ve become good friends as well. Heck, one of them was best man in my wedding. Another is my child’s God parent. In the past 3 years I’ve gone from a cat. 4 to a cat. 2. I did it pretty quickly too! The thing that bothers me is most of my teammates don’t train as hard as I do. They don’t seem as passionate about the sport as I do. I mean, I give it 110% everyday and they probably only give 82.675%. I’ve read every Lance Armstrong book and watched every World Cycling Production’s classic bike race DVD since spring of 2006. They’re great guys and all, but honestly, at this point I’m way better than them and racing on my own. What should I do?

Confused in Chandler,

AZRider

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First off, friends are a luxury and not a necessity. Do you think Mario Cipollini, Filippo Pozzato or Levi Leipheimer have friends? Of course not! These prolific cyclists have shed the excess baggage known as friendship to bask in the glory of exceptional bike prowess and beautiful salon hair; (Levi is the exception to the rule).

Your friends are pathetic and it’s even more shameful that you are concerned about their work ethic?! You should be focusing on your own fitness because your estrogen levels are way beyond capacity! If you don’t reverse this downward spiral, like a terminal illness you’ll be satisfied with mediocrity and preaching “personal bests” and “just have fun” or in other words: a triathlete.

Cat 4 to a Cat 2 in 3 years….My advice: Dump your lard ass friends, buy a bulk container of hair gel and lease a Maserati because you are on your way to stardom! Honestly, you still suck…..you just don’t suck as bad as your fatty friends.

For the record, if your son’s God father is anything other than a Cat 1 with a VO2 equal to or less than 70, you have done him a disservice. You don’t have to be Miss Cleo to know he’ll certainly be an aspiring figure skater or Fixie lover.

Rusty Chain

“Soap opera stories run concurrently, intersect and lead into further developments. An individual episode of a soap opera will generally switch between several different concurrent story threads that may at times interconnect and affect one another or may run entirely independent of each other.”

You probably deciphered from Wikipedia’s initial paragraph, I am referring to the Arizona off-season and the teenage theatrics of your local cycling team.

If the CW is looking to unearth another scandalous fall season pilot, then lycra and chain lube should be in their future! (mental images of Liz Hatch covered in Tri-Flow come to mind).

There is enough jealousy, deceit, and self righteousness in the AZ peloton to cause Heidi Montag premature menopause and grant Tyra Banks psychological credibility…..(It’s a stretch).

“Each episode may feature some of the show’s current storylines but not always all of them. Especially in daytime serials and those that are screened each weekday, there is some rotation of both storylines and actors so any given storyline or actor will appear in some but usually not all of a week’s worth of episodes.”

The majority of us do not get compensated for cycling. A shop discount, logo plastered water bottles and an continuous supply of saddle sores is about all the working man cyclist is guaranteed. People change and many riders have made new friendships and altered goals. Some riders have evolved and need a team that can offer more; whether that is financial, tactical or geographical. Other riders just want a different kit to match their anniversary edition Sidi’s.

Soap operas rarely “wrap things up” storywise and generally avoid bringing all the current storylines to a conclusion at the same time. When one storyline ends there are always several other story threads at differing stages of development. Soap opera episodes typically end on some sort of cliffhanger

Coming to a decision concerning leaving an old team, joining a new one, or starting your own won’t please everyone. True friends will respect who you are and will probably continue to ride alongside you regardless of your choice of team……..and then proceed to come around you at the finish line.

Rusty Chain

It’s mid-summer. The heat has dissolved my bar tape into such a gooey, disgusting mess that I’m anticipating the metamorphosis of my handlebar into some rare cycling insect….like Mauricio Soler. My helmet straps, once black, now have stalactites of salt. I’ve decided to forgo gloves altogether and rather duct tape a set of “Sham Wows” to my wrists. As my body and bike are melting due to the conditions so is my motivation.

Many riders have mid season goals that just don’t look as enticing as they did in December. Unfortunately I am one of them. I have already obligated to a series of races in the Midwest which will destroy mere mortals without proper preparation.

Let me introduce cycling’s customary torture device simply called, “the Trainer”. They come in a few different styles and masochists may subscribe to one or the other, but all versions will bring you anguish, torment and suffering.

Like a cruel acid trip, your mind will drift into the darkest parts of hell and as you return to consciousness you’re certain this arrangement was a scene from the trailer of SAW VI. Once you have completed your “interval session” and cleaned the vomit off your top tube your body will feel a bit unsteady; like you’d been given a shoddy lobotomy by Michal J. Fox (circa present day).

Come race day you should be laughing at everyone in the lineup. You’ve been through enough intensity that daily hallucinations are the norm and peyote seems like a weak artificial sweetener. It’s go time!

Just remember at this point you are borderline psychotic and the only antidote is two or three beers shared with your teammates after your race.  Do not shank anyone.

There is a pandemic sweeping through Arizona cycling like Lindsey Lohan’s V.D. at a TMZ after-party. At one time, only the rich and famous were susceptible to it, but now it shows no boundaries. Now your local Cat II is not only vulnerable, but is the forerunner of the outbreak.

Twitter.

Let me say that I do see some practical applications for Twitter. For example, you have won 7 Tours and every journalist wants a fragmented sentence of useless info to manipulate into 5 paragraphs of useless info. Or, your mass popularity is founded on convincing the public you are popular, i.e. Paris Hilton. Or, in Velocity’s case, you are a media outlet that sole purpose is to inform the public of current events….seems logical?!

Now for the rest of you…….No one cares except you. All these f-ing gossip magazines and TV shows have manipulated the most average cyclists into believing that their frappachino stop is news to their ego manifested twitter worshipers.  These twatters act like they are doing a favor by announcing the ratio of corn to turd in their last bowel movement to their invisible friends.

I would be so bold to say the people following your twatting account are doing so strictly in amazement of the human psyche and the depths of which one will go to validate their existence…..

Please don’t stop your electronic circle jerk on my account! The crap you all are twatting is almost as terrible as the crap I write.

See you at the Floyd Landis/Ouch ride (thanks twitter!)

Rusty Chain.

Austin mentioned that a few turds commented on my posts being “too edgy”. He didn’t name names, and I didn’t ask. It doesn’t matter…..I do think it’s idiotic that I have to stifle my writing because some cyclo-puritans are ultra sensitive.

That being said, this is not my site. I don’t want to drag Austin’s good name through the mud due to my insistence to use genital references and motorized wheelchair analogies.

The question is this: Will I wallow in the verbal pool of mediocrity and general lack of comedic content? Or, do I move on, brandishing my cherished HULKAMANIA bandana, middle fingers blazing and Black Flag blaring? Unfortunately I’m not that cool, but for the record I think a bandana on a dude is about as awkward as a guy wearing a thong. Completely pointless and revolting yet you are still staring at an ass, but I digress…..

Maybe I’ll do some product reviews on brake pads, or better yet, write a riveting expose on the Performance Bike Store return policy. If you want garbage subscribe to “Bicycling Magazine”. Seriously though….If you don’t want to read what I write, don’t read it; or better yet post a response about how you disagree with me. I will probably retort with vengeance and attack all your insecurities in less than a paragraph, but it’s still worth a try.

In conclusion, please understand that Austin does not share the same opinions and views as myself. He has a dresser drawer chocked full of men’s thongs and Jimmy Buffett bandanas.

I’ve been sorting through a barrage of “Earth Day” spam mail from friends, family and others that I don’t really give two shits about. I just can’t fathom what compels others to send me “Earth Day” related email garbage!

Just because I ride a bicycle doesn’t mean I soak my manhood in patchouli oil and design jewelry out of dog feces and discarded soda cans. I don’t send the dude that cuts my hair a bouquet of carnations and some lip gloss on “Gay and Lesbian Day” (not that there is anything wrong with that).

The point is, some people make assumptions that because I ride a bike I’m on a crusade to topple the lavish spendthrift society we have haphazardly designed. Don’t get me wrong, I recycle, I bring my own grocery bags, and I urinate in my neighbors lawn, but this doesn’t make me anymore eco-friendly than Lee Iacocca.

My contribution to earth day will be to forward (or recycle) all the email trash to the “garbage men” of the cycling community at http://azfixed.com/ .

Suck it hippies!

RUSTY CHAIN