Dear Rusty,

I’ve been riding with the same local team for 3 years now. The guys on the team are not only teammates, but they’ve become good friends as well. Heck, one of them was best man in my wedding. Another is my child’s God parent. In the past 3 years I’ve gone from a cat. 4 to a cat. 2. I did it pretty quickly too! The thing that bothers me is most of my teammates don’t train as hard as I do. They don’t seem as passionate about the sport as I do. I mean, I give it 110% everyday and they probably only give 82.675%. I’ve read every Lance Armstrong book and watched every World Cycling Production’s classic bike race DVD since spring of 2006. They’re great guys and all, but honestly, at this point I’m way better than them and racing on my own. What should I do?

Confused in Chandler,

AZRider

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First off, friends are a luxury and not a necessity. Do you think Mario Cipollini, Filippo Pozzato or Levi Leipheimer have friends? Of course not! These prolific cyclists have shed the excess baggage known as friendship to bask in the glory of exceptional bike prowess and beautiful salon hair; (Levi is the exception to the rule).

Your friends are pathetic and it’s even more shameful that you are concerned about their work ethic?! You should be focusing on your own fitness because your estrogen levels are way beyond capacity! If you don’t reverse this downward spiral, like a terminal illness you’ll be satisfied with mediocrity and preaching “personal bests” and “just have fun” or in other words: a triathlete.

Cat 4 to a Cat 2 in 3 years….My advice: Dump your lard ass friends, buy a bulk container of hair gel and lease a Maserati because you are on your way to stardom! Honestly, you still suck…..you just don’t suck as bad as your fatty friends.

For the record, if your son’s God father is anything other than a Cat 1 with a VO2 equal to or less than 70, you have done him a disservice. You don’t have to be Miss Cleo to know he’ll certainly be an aspiring figure skater or Fixie lover.

Rusty Chain