I usually only celebrate the standard holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas and some second tier holidays like Valentines Day and Tour of Flanders, but today is “All Fools Day”! I knew I didn’t have the time to top my elaborate “April Fools of 07” scheme which was to force the economy into a downward spiral of fear and poverty; so I half-assed a top 5 list of “Fools for April”.
- Mountain Bikers – Have you seen these contraptions they’re riding? It’s like my beach cruiser got all coked up and had a three way with a car jack and an Erector Set. These dudes are wearing full blown motorcycle protection but ironically no shoe laces, sleeveless shirts and entirely exposed beer guts. Think Chris Farley freebasing Red Bull on a pogo stick.
- Fixie Freaks – There is not enough space to write the disdain I have for these Andy Warhol ass clowns. I do believe there is a direct correlation or ratio of stupidity to coolness. If your pants are tight enough to sever your scrotum and your bike is missing parts like it was assembled at Costco you will be worshiped by others who don’t shower and are testicular phobic.
- Recumbent – Imagine if Stephen Hawking found out you was cruising around in a motorized wheel chair because you’re lazy?! If you can stand up you should ride a bike not a recliner. Think Chris Farley coming down from freebasing Red Bull in a wheel-barrow with a helmet mirror.
- Tandems – I thought two guys on a tandem was self explanatory, but if a red flag doesn’t comes to mind you probably live in Tempe and you’re waiting for the sparkle paint to dry on your fixies’ stem/rims/pedals and axle bolts.
- Roadies – Matching spandex, shaved legs, waif thin athletes. If you got your ass kicked in high school you are potentially a pro cyclist. If you just recently got your ass kicked by someone in high school then you’re a shoe-in for the pro tour.
RUSTY CHAIN
Judging by your pseudonym and proclivity of posting on a bicylce webist, I can only assume you do indeed ride some form of human powered transportation. Using a bit of detective work and the process of elimination based on this post i have narrowed down the available options as one of three possibilities. Not a roadie, not a mountain biker, not a fixed gear rider, not a recumbent rider, not half of a tandem team…hmmm. That leaves the scurge of the bicyle world; the bike friday, or you are pedaling your bitter self around Sun City on a three wheeled bike that squeals like the flacid power steering belt on a 1982 Dodge Omni. I assume the latter. That, or you actually hate yourself enough that it has driven you to hide behind an alias and self depriciate your own form of transportation. Could go either way.
The Bike Friday… Jeez, that was classic! Who ever thought those up anyways?
I know Rusty… I can vouch for him. He is full-fledged road rider; the two wheeled, shaved leg type.
You’re a shitty detective…My Omni doesn’t have power steering so the only squealing belt you’re hearing is the one holding up your pleated Dockers over your FUPA. It’s flattering that you would take time out of Scurge Hunting in Sun City to make assumptions about my fragile ego and what mode of “human powered transportation” I use. Furthermore, I’m impressed that Matlock and Ludwig Von Drake’s offspring is blogging about “proclivity” and other S.A.T. words; I can almost visualize you stroking your Magnum P.I. pube stash while looking up “self-depreciate” in the dictionary.
Rusty Chain
P.S. Columbo would have his way with you!
Hilarious!!!